My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
