remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
