i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
