Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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