i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
