my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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