i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
