Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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