Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
