I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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