roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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