I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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