Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
