when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
