i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize