DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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