She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
