CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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