i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Are we still banned from the library?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
