Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
