I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
