I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
