I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
