I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
