she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Randomize
