All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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