Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
