the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
