Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
