I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
