You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
