Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My life is pants optional.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
