Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
