my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
