some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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