I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize