fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
