does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
