I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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