i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
