dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
