I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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