So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
this boner is exhausting
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
