From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
