Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
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Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
All I want is dick and wine.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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