a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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