if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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