Apparently you make a good broom.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
