What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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