I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
