Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize