Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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